January 4, 2005
Whoever invented sweats created the practically perfect garment. When you are young, sweats cover the fact that you haven't changed your underwear in several days, and they make you look athletic even though you don't work out and couldn't hit your butt with both hands. As you race past middle age, sweats provide a degree of comfort not found in your work clothes, and they conceal the fact that your chest has slipped eight to ten inches South due to the force of gravity and other effects less benign. Long ago, some clever garment designer realized that if you were going to wear your sweats out of the house they needed to have pockets to hold your wallet and your car keys. Why then is it impossible to find a pair of sweats with pockets and a fly in them?
The association of the Jewish People with the garment industry goes back at least as far as Moses. Surely there were clothes before there were laws, and tailors before there were lawyers. One surmises that the first example of special interest group lobbying must have taken place on Mount Sinai where history's first recorded rider was attached to the Ten Commandments. It was hastily scratched on the edge of the second tablet (a cost conscious God had apparently already used both sides of the stone) at the behest of a lawmaker who had received large campaign contributions from GITTM, the Guild of International Tailors & Tent Makers, (Local 1). It read, "Thou shalt not put a fly front (either zipper or button) in a casual garment." This gave rise to the concept of Original Flaw, which is similar to that of Original Sin.
William's Whimsical Words:
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